I watched War Room about a month ago and was convicted on the fact that I don’t pray enough for my husband. The only words that typically come out, feel superficial…please protect him Lord. Protect him on the road. Protect his purity. Protect his heart and mind.
I want to grow in my prayer life. I want to be more detailed. I know God is not impressed with my words or the length, he is moved by the sincerity and authenticity.
I want to be more sincere and authentic in my prayers.
I want to have a heart that waits.
I want to experience the peace He promises.
Lord, every morning you hear my voice. Every morning, I tell you what I need, and I wait for your answer. Psalm 5:3 NCV
I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1
Father, you are full aware of how shattered my heart feels. These 8 months of marriage have not been easy. I’ve felt continually hurt, miserable, and often wonder if I made a mistake. Apathy can feel safe because the pain numbs–but I also know that’s not Christ-like. You didn’t shy away from the emotional, psychological, physical pain of the Cross. You took it on.
My husband’s strong love for sports and his Iphone/Ipad have made me feel neglected, alone and pushed aside. Lately, I’ve seen him have a more balanced approach, but I hope it’s because he is growing a conviction and not out of compliance to me.
Finding out he has searched for old girlfriends and attractive women online/social media, in addition to now deleting his internet history has created a deep sense of insecurity and fear of trusting him with my heart, mind and body. Telling me he won’t be friends with ex sexual partners but adding one on Facebook because she requested him again, makes me wonder where do his boundaries fall. If he was able to succumb to something like this, when the temptation over his sexual integrity was minimal, where will he stand when the girl is highly attractive and seductive. If he couldn’t keep his word then, how will he keep his word when the struggle is strong? And my heart shatters at this thought.
I feel you let me down, Lord. I kept myself pure. I kept your commandments. I feel I am treated like trash and like I don’t truly matter. I feel confused…when he tells me he’s doing great in his recovery but I find this out (instead of him taking the initiative to come clean).
I am not here to condemn him…but the truth is that the pain of finding out things about him instead of being told (taking ownership, owning his badness) is oftentimes a lot stronger and deeper. And in the coldness of my heart, I don’t want to give an F.
Help me to see my part and take responsibility for what belongs to me.
Help me to not be feisty but to speak truthfully and in love. Help me to be like you, you extended grace but also did not tolerate sin. God, I can’t do it without your help. I fail. I react. I become stern…but I know behind these facades there’s a girl trembling inside wondering if she is truly loved and someone is truly there for her?
Lord, hear my cry for help and healing.