Only a wish

July 30th 2017: I logged into this blog today and noticed there was an unsaved draft I had typed and never uploaded. By the content I am assuming it’s around late January 2016 or early February 2016.

Lord, grant me the courage to speak. I tremble inside. I tell myself it doesn’t matter what I feel. I minimize. I try to brush it off. But I know that deep inside there’s a little girl in need of comfort, to know she means something and that she is loved. Help me remember the times my husband and I have spoken vulnerably and I didn’t feel rejected (I feel this way when he minimizes my emotions/trying to fix me). I just plainly have a hard time. My core belief is that it’s hard to feel that my heart and emotions are safe with him. So I shutdown with him.

That’s one of the biggest reasons why I miss couples therapy. I felt heard by him. I felt he was responsive by the questions our therapist prompted us with. At least in that space I didn’t hear him label me with words like victim, complainer, nagger, or being corrected for a word I said or a tone I used. Sharing my thoughts and feelings didn’t make me feel that they were falling on deaf ears, there actually was a response.

Today I got triggered by his post of MLK on his Instagram. The first thought was “who are you?” This is so not like you.” Then I began remembering all the times I put my heart/emotions for him out there, on public forums of Facebook/Instagram, and how often I felt ignored or that it didn’t matter.

When I asked him about it…he responded “I am just a private guy.”

I know it sounds silly. It’s only social media, for goodness sake. But it’s not about social media…it’s about the heart I have for him and the heart he choose to have for me. But, the core principle I began to believe about me is that:

I am not worth showing love.

I am worth ignoring.

If life would had been different and you would had stayed with that old girlfriend that you can’t forget and the only woman that you’ve truly loved…if life would had been different and you would had married her… Would you treat her the same way you treat me? Would you write on her wall? Would you be responsive to her? Would you ignore her comments and text messages? Would you be constantly annoyed by her? Would you deny her request for intimacy? Would you call her to say I love you? Would she feel like a burden? Would you smile around her? Would you correct her continually? Would you label her? Would you be a private guy? Would you prefer sports over hanging out with her? Would you be grateful?

I believe she would treat her differently than the ways I’ve been treated.

I believe my husband has a hard time showing love and receiving love because there’s something in his heart that’s holding him back (& blocking love)…this is not personality thing…when a man is madly in love with a woman nothing and no one would stop him from showing that love.

Proverbs even talks about it’s hard to understand a man in love with a woman because he becomes a madman…a madman doesn’t give rationalizations, doesn’t give excuses, he just loves regardless of what other ppl might say.

I wish you’d love me more than her…but I know it’s only a wish. A wish to be loved & cherished- not with words or gifts but with a genuine heart and caring spirit that produces loving & affectionate actions.

Proverbs 30:  18 There are three things that are hard for me to understand—really, four things that I don’t understand: 19 an eagle flying in the sky, a snake moving on a rock, a ship moving across the ocean, and a man in love with a woman.

Proverbs 13:12 Hope that is delayed makes you sad, but a wish that comes true fills you with joy.

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life

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