S EXpectations

“In marriage sex is wonderful,” I would hear.

“It’s an emotional, physical and spiritual connection like no other,” I would hear.

Although I had various opportunities to give it up, I didn’t, the comments above kept me in line with God’s desire and heart as it relates to sexual intimacy.

So throughout my 20’s my imaginative mind just collected ideas and wishes of sexual experiences one day I dreamed of experiencing with my future husband.

Some of them were:

  • Licking my chichis with whip cream
  • Having sex before Sunday church (naughty church girl, aint’ I?)
  • Having him take a break from work (because it’s flexible schedule) to have a quickie
  • Trying a new Kama Sutra pose once a month
  • Having sexual contact for a whole week with various naughty themes
    • Monday- Music Monday (grinding to the most exotic songs)
    • Tuesday- Titties Tuesday
    • Wednesday- Wicked Wednesday (little bit on the rough side)
    • Thursday- Thirsty Thursday (starting off the night with some wine)
    • Friday- Freaky Friday
    • Saturday- Slimy Saturday (licking our slimy parts)
    • Sunday- Sexy Sunday (wearing some sexy lingerie)
  • Giving him a lap dance (In spite of my shyness I was already practicing sexy dance moves to surprise him one day).

I really wanted him to have the best sex he’s ever had.

I really wanted to feel he couldn’t have enough of me.

I really wanted to feel desired. 

I really believed in 1 Corinthians 7

1 Cor 7 reads:

The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

But reality has been very different. And if I want to have peace I need to accept this reality as it is. Steve Arterburn sharing about how to overcome past pain said in a NewLife video “accept the frailties, accept the imperfections, accept that people don’t always have their best interest for you.”

I’ve been married for 2 years and 4 months and to this day: I don’t know how to give a hand-job, a blow job, and haven’t experienced any of the things I’ve mentioned or an orgasm.

I stopped practicing sexy moves because it became fairly obvious as a newlywed that sex is not a priority (1-4 times a month, if any) and I feel like a stupid fool for ever wanting it so bad with my future husband. I do, I feel utterly stupid and I carry a lot of pain because of it.

So no, sex hasn’t been this magical feeling everyone talked to me about.

Why doesn’t he desire me? Maybe I am not fit enough, maybe it’s my lack of sex appeal, maybe it’s my naivete. Or just maybe I am not the woman his heart loves & craves.

Or is it that he just plainly has had enough of it and he’s no longer fazed by anything sexual? Or is it his arthritis? Is he low on testosterone, would he even be willing to have this checked?

All these questions invade my mind and I probably will never have an answer.

There were too many times when I felt like I was just another girl he’s having sex with. No one special.

There were too many times when I felt used (I would sense this “get off me” energy after we were done).                                                                                                                                       There were too many times when I did all the work.

There were too many times when checking him a phone was more important than cuddling & being close.

Sex doesn’t always make me feel closer to him.

I am saddened by the fact that I didn’t get an opportunity to develop and grow my sexual confidence (turning me down, sexy photos I sent not leading to sex, making me wait for many hours, being turned down when asking for a week long sex etc). They say that first impressions matter the most, my first impression with sex has left me wounded. And I don’t know how to heal. I know marriage is not just about sex, but I also knew that everything changes when kids arrive and I wish that I would had enjoyed my sex life before my baby came along. Now it feels like it’s too late.

What hurts the most is that I put all my eggs on one basket because I truly believed that God was going to bless my obedience.

All the times I felt rejected and the lack of consistency makes me believe that my husband wishes he would had married someone else (that old girlfriend he still desires).  This is something I don’t think he’ll ever admit to me or perhaps even to himself…but it’s obvious to me and my woman instinct has never failed me.

It’s hard to be intimate with someone that you know doesn’t love you. It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s hard to be intimate with someone that wishes they were with someone else. It’s painful, excruciating painful.

I believe my husband treats me like crap and he would treat someone else like a queen. If he had married that old girlfriend would he still have sex once or twice a month? Deep inside I believe the answer is “no.”

I know that I matter. I can’t force you to love me the way you have loved before…but please don’t treat me like trash. And most importantly don’t teach our son to treat woman like trash.

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