Final Thoughts

In Grief Recovery I learned the importance of looking at a relationship with neutral eyes, every relationship has it’s good and it’s bad.

I will try to execute that idea next.

Babe, I want to let you know that I really appreciated the Snoopy cards you gave me when you started to show an interest in me. It was very special to read the instructions (one to read on the plane and one to read when I got home). That made me feel very special and it’s something I will forever treasure.

I want to thank you for asking me to be your girlfriend and for going all-out with the horse carriage…it was cute seeing you nervous and it was special to hold your hand.

I want to thank you for calling me every Monday night and wanting to get to know me.

I want to thank you for calling a friend to figure out what kind of engagement ring I would like, for scouting a place, for getting on one knew, for organizing the celebratory dinner at Las Luminarias. You did so much work and I am very grateful for all that!

I want to thank you for finding value in attending pre-marital counseling together.

I want to thank you for the many dates you paid.

I want to thank you for the many rides you gave.

I want to thank you for visiting me in San Francisco on my actual birthday. I can still remember meeting you at the airport, getting the car rental together, and organizing for my brother to pick you up from LAX.

I want to thank you for our first night together- I was very nervous- unsure what to expect but you were very calmed and didn’t feel I was being forced to do anything I was not comfortable in doing. I treasure that day.

I want to thank you for the times you helped me clean up after vomiting when I was pregnant with our little one.

I want to thank you for the times you became chef and cleaned our home when I was recuperating from my C-Section.

I want to thank you for playing with our little one and making him laugh…it’s one of the most precious sounds.

But I also need to let you know that how I’ve been hurt: 

Babe, I also need to let  you know that I was very hurt when you added that girl on Facebook (after telling me that you wouldn’t) and when you YouTubed your old girlfriend. I am sorry that I didn’t bring these things up in a gentle manner. But to this day these actions hurt me a lot and sometimes I wish you would have said “I am sorry.” Since that day, I began to believe you don’t truly love me and want to be with that old gf.

Babe, I need to share that I often feel a wall between us. It’s hard for me to feel your at ease, happy and grateful to be with me. I often tend to feel the opposite which makes me feel very insecure and doubtful of your love for me. I am not sure what I have done wrong and sometimes I wish we could start all over again.

Babe, I need to share that wedding planning was very hard for me. I often felt unsupported by you and felt you leaned towards our wedding planner. I often felt alone.

Babe, I need to share that I often feel our marriage is unimportant to you and I feel hurt whenever you choose to prioritize your phone over building our marriage. I am not asking for all your time, but I wish there was a lot more balance.

Babe, I need to share that my sexual confidence as been damaged and I am not sure how to repair it. Please read my blog on S EXpectations to have a better idea of what I feel inside.

Babe, I need to share that I felt hurt when I didn’t feel your support with our little ones sleep. I asked you to please don’t leave it all to me, I really wanted us to work together, to read together, to be informed together and make choices together but I felt and feel very alone in this process. It hurt me to see that other things became more important than sleep training. It breaks my heart to think you will treat our son the ways you’ve treated me.

Babe, I need to share that whenever I share a hurt I tend to leave our conversations even more hurt because I rarely feel compassion, empathy and an “I’m sorry” I rather walk out feeling blamed and insulted (by being labeled something). It’s really hard to feel comfortable being vulnerable with you.

 

 

 

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