Little by little I feel I’m coming out of the cave of sadness and desolation that my mind has been in and I thank God for that.
Few things have made a big difference:
1) Accepting my reality just like it is- it’s far off from where I wish it would be, but living in wishing-land robs me of joy and peace. Accepting my reality and making an intentional effort to focus on the positive things currently happening (even if that means being happy I have food, shelter and clothes to wear) is helping me to obtain a new mindset.
2) Accepting that others (yes including my husband) won’t always have my best interest in mind. Only God and maybe my mother will- but not others. This thought lets me accept the reality that people will hurt me…there’s no doubt about it. And that I will also hurt others, by accepting this in me, I can accept it others. But just because I accept it doesn’t mean the hurt won’t make me sad but it’ll help me to extend forgiveness.
3) Reading scriptures that had the word “wife” and paying attention to what God expects of me.
Had a recent conversation with my husband which I felt nervous about but knew I had to open my heart. It wasn’t easy. Conversations rarely feel easy with him…(especially if I am sharing a hurt or have a different opinion than him…he tends to feel like I’m attacking him or being unsupportive when I disagree and as a people pleaser this is really hard because standing on my thoughts instead of complying takes deliberate effort). I’m accepting that although I wish it was easier to approach him to talk it is not- but that’s where I am at in life currently and I pray things get better. But I’m choosing to accept reality instead of living in wish land.
I often feel like I’m going to step on a line mine and a trigger will go off…I’m sure he would say that about me…and I see it…but so often it goes off in him but he has a hard time seeing it…but that’s where he’s at. And I just need to remain present.
To make a long story short I was able to stay present, calm and honest during this conversation. Even when I felt defensiveness from him I looked away and started breathing and saying a short prayer for help and it made a big difference.
This transformation won’t come easy- I’ve lived in this mindset for over 2 years (as described in the blogs I typed before) and it won’t go away easily.
I still cry in silence at the thought that I have never provoked in my husband the loving and passionate feelings he’s had for her. And to this day I believe I’m unwanted but he’ll force his mind to be spiritualized and say to himself “it’s God’s plan.”
No matter how much he tells me “I love you” I deeply know his love is not the same. His passion is not the same. And this pains me. Even if he tries I can see right through him. I wish he could just be honest.
I’ve come to accept that if 3 or 5 or 10 or 15 years he chooses to walk away because he recognizes that his soulmate is not me, but her, I will let him walk away. Not because my love grew cold or because I’m not willing to fight for my marriage, but because I’ve come to understand that when you love you give them the power to choose. That’s real love. Letting them choose. I’m more than certain that God will take care of me- He always has and He always will. So I’m not scared, go and be merry!
When everyone is asleep at night I’m just grateful Gods helping me obtain a new mindset. One that’s okay with pain. One that knows nothing lasts forever, happy times and sad times. One that recognizes what love I deserves and when its not given taking time to grieve and move on.
Like the title of this blog: this my journey to seeking peace.