Let Down

Yesterday was a hard day emotionally for me.

I keep fighting thoughts of feeling let down, of sadness and deep seated discouragement.

I began to wonder how can I motivate my son to remain sexually pure?

I can’t say that if he holds off until marriage it would be the most wonderful experience. I can’t. I cant fill him with thoughts / ideas that were feed to me but now I’m realizing they were just empty words.

Obedience doesn’t always lead to blessing. And I guess that’s what hurts the most. That I feel I walked the path of purity as much as I could (outside my now husband I never even French kissed anyone), I trusted, I delayed gratification, I said “no” multiple times…but in marriage I’ve received rejection, I feel I’ve been given the bare minimal. I feel broken for the minimum sexual contact (2-3xs a month) when my body wants that a week.

I’ve lost my sense of security in my body, I’ve lost my desire to initiate, I’ve lost my desire to be with him intimately. Which makes sense, why would you give yourself vulnerably to someone that makes me you feel like you don’t matter & your needs don’t matter.

To make matters worst- I feel very hopeless anything will change. I guess I’m afraid to be hopeful and be let down again, and again and again.

See, eating habits and lifestyle has to change. If he doesn’t take care of his body (feeding it healthy food and working out) things won’t change in physical terms for him.

So when I see him make purchases at McDonalds and scarf down pizzas and energy drinks, to me these actions communicate that he doesn’t care. I’m sure he doesn’t do them purposefully but that’s the point, because he’s not mindful and intentionally taking care of his body out sexual connection suffers.

To me changing this area of his life (eating & working out) is like asking him to change the color of his eyes. I don’t believe it’s going to happen.

So I must find joy in the middle of a big disappointment and it’s so hard to do.

I feel very alone in this- I can’t relate to anyone, yet which makes it doubly hard.

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